Thinking about Emily

Last Friday, March 6th, was Emily's 6th birthday. Can you believe it? Six years.... Anyway, i come home on Friday, late, of course, as i am with the after school kids until 6pm and then at the gym until 7, and there's a note on the door from a local florist shop. And i think, who would send me flowers on Emily's birthday? Nobody has done anything like that since maybe her first birthday. The note said they had been left at the apartment office, and i realized that i was going to have to leave the chess tournament on Saturday to go get them or, given my schedule and the office hours, i was never going to get them. (Going to the bank, post office, or rental office when you work M-F 7am-6pm is really difficult.) So i get to the chess tournament and after the first round starts i tell the other coaches that i have to go pick up these flowers or they'll die between now and two weeks from now when the next time i'm avaiable to get them will be. The parents all twitter over me... "oh, are they from your ex boyfriend??" And i say no, i seriously doubt that, and try to slip out in the bustle of pairings.

When i got to the office, i found these...





They were from Chris and Shelly. It's so sweet of them to think of me on this day. And they truly are the most thoughtful people in the world. Shelly even remembered how i prefer plants to cut flowers, and they are still growing and blooming on my kitchen table today. (Although Sao likes to eat the leafy green part, and i have to keep spraying her with water to keep her discouraged.)

When i got back to the chess tournament, i hadn't even thought about the parents and their enthusiastic curiosity. i went into our team room and was immediately asked, "Well??" And then i'm thinking... oh, crud, what do i say? It's not like i can just tell all these people our story... it's not really professional, some of them don't even like me...

So i said they were from the new guy and tried to drop it.

i didn't make him up. There is, kind of, was, sort of, a new guy. i've been taking it pretty slow for several reasons, not the least of which is that it was just happening that way. Romance should be organic, and i am dealing with a major overanalyzer here. Not to mention on my end that i have only just marked five months of singlehood.

We have a standing Tuesday date, and have been seeing each other in a friendship/dating hybrid status for a couple months. So i felt like it was about time to sit down and tell him Chris, Shelly, Emily, my, and my family's story. i wanted to do it soon enough that if it was a deal breaker, i wouldn't feel like i had led him on, but after enough time that i felt comfortable crying in front of him because, let's face it, when i tell this story, even to this day, i bawl. Hell, i'm crying now as i type. But more importantly, we were getting to know each other, and it's impossible to really know me without knowing this part of my life. It shaped so much of who i am, even today. Not a day goes by that i don't think about her. And i'm sure it's a little puzzling to people who don't know, when something in some random conversation will set me off and i look momentarily depressed.

Anyway, so i was to meet him at his place on Tuesday and we walked over to a restaurant nearby. We ate and i was excited when we didn't linger afterward, as i wanted to get back to his apartment and sit down and have this conversation. But as we rounded the corner in front of his door, he says we're going shopping. Normally, this kind of spontaneous, casual task would be a blast. But i understood now that with this i wouldn't have enough time for my plan. So i shrugged it off and figured, well, next time. Later, we were standing in front of his fridge putting groceries away and there's a picture of one of his friends' kid, about seven, and i choked up, and felt like i didn't hide it well. So i told him that next time we saw each other i had a story i needed to tell him, and that we needed to leave enough time to tell it, and that i was going to cry. No more sidetracks, no more lost opportunities.

He was so curious that yesterday he sent me one of the most stinging emails i've ever recieved. Not only was i disappointed at the lack of patience, but it was terribly insulting. Paraphrasing, it went something like this: "I have some theories about your "secret." Did you kill someone in Vegas just to watch him die? [It was Reno, by the way, Ass....] Are you a kleptomaniac? Did you have kids but give them up for adoption?"

i wanted to charge over there and tell him what an ass i thought he was, but i would have missed my workout. So i just replied. Now, i realize that he was attempting to be funny. And i know that some people just don't get it. In fact, i realize that anyone who has never had to walk away from their child just doesn't get it. It's not a pain that you can really put words to. The only thing that i can imagine being worse is losing a child in death.

And i even realize that it can be a deal-breaker for some. It's heartbreaking to hear the way people talk about birthmothers. Most often they don't even realize they're being insulting. But i recognize and respect his or anyone's right to think whatever they want about adoption. He keeps trying to reassure me that whatever it was in my past that i wanted to tell him wouldn't change how he feels about me now. But his attitude toward it has nonetheless made me terribly angry, and i think it may be best to just let it all go.

This will always and forever remain the most excruciatingly difficult thing i've ever done. But when i think of Emily, getting off the bus with her mom there to hold her hand and walk her home every day... When i think of her all excited when the garage door opens a few hours later and she realizes that daddy is home... When i think of her sick, and know that her parents never hesitate out of financial concern to take her to the doctor... or taking care of her sister, so tenderly... i know it was also the best thing i've ever done.

Let this be a lesson to any future prospective boyfriends.