my Autograph
my little cousin in her wedding dress… with cleavage and a ring and a ten-year-old face. my college friends… Lauren, Beth, and Allison? College smiles. But now they’re holding babies. Their babies!
i wonder what my face would look like to those who knew me, next to a child, or in a wedding dress, or taking religious vows, or running a meeting? Would i look as startling to them as they do to me, or is this an indication of something different, some perception of mine that is skewed or distorted?
i know i feel very much like i’ve just left graduate school… most of what i like to do is the same. i pour over science books, drive around aimlessly wondering ‘what’s down this road?’ and am always on the lookout for the next trail. i was so loathe to leave academia that i just… didn’t.
i know i am getting older, but i just have a sense that it’s not time yet. i am ever so grateful for Jeff, who is happy enough with all my ‘someday’s. It’s not that i don’t want to marry him; quite the contrary. And i know that waiting will make it more difficult for me to have children, but it’s not that i don’t want that either; quite the contrary. There’s just too much to do, and i find myself drawn off of what American Dad would call ‘the path to happiness’ by the perpetual next great adventure. A trip through
But with me, it’s always ‘one more.’ And i wonder if one day i won’t be alone in my Alaskan cabin with long grey hair and two dogs, looking at pictures of friends sent wirelessly to a photo frame in my living room. i wonder if i won’t pick it up and think, ‘that Allison, she looks too young to have grandkids, if she’s not careful her 70s are just going to slip through her fingers.’
Would that be a triumph? Or the ultimate failure?
posted by ellie at 08:57
5 Comments:
The "path of happiness" has just as many great adventures. They just take on different types and shapes. The trick, as with everything you and I experience, is to do it when we're ready and imbue it with its appropriate sense of purpose and wonder.
So you shouldn't put off that next tier of adventures FOREVER... You should just do them at the appropriate time and in due course. :)
My Ellie. My dear Ellie. I do love you. As Jeff said, everyone's adventure is different. Parenting is truly an adventure. Working on becoming foster parents is an adventure. Some days, going to WalMart is an adventure. And I still drive aimlessly wondering what's down this road.
I hope one day you are looking at a picture of me and my grandchildren thinking that my 70s are slipping by... but I'm sure I'll get a picture back of you - long grey hair flowing - with your children/grandchildren/dogs on the top of a mountain and think, "If she's not careful... she's going to break a hip up there!"
I love you. And I think about you often. hug hug, kiss kiss
Ellie - You probably won't read this since I am writing it a good 2+ months after you wrote this post, but you should never wonder about what path you have chosen. You are doing what is right for you, and that's enough. Don't wonder, just seize the day!
i'm later posting than Andee - but she's right. You're living YOUR life. if that's what's making you happy now - go with it.
motherhood is sleepless, exhausting and unending. at least with school children you can leave them (or they leave you) and you don't have to worry about it if you just want to sit and read in the evenings.
also - your face hasn't changed since college either. same face - same great smile.
miss you!!
Funny that this post drew out so many folks. I am also surprised to see my peers with babies but I have one too! Sometimes my life catches me by surprise. You look lovely, by the way.
- Stephanie
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